Tucker Max

North Carolina · connectedBorn 1975

American Internet personality; blogger; author

Studied at Duke University School of Law

screenwriter, film producer

Quotations with a citation

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

Nose full of fart, mouth full of cock, she never even paused.

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

Here’s to the people we’ve met, And to the people we’ve fucked, And to those of us Who’ve had no such luck. Here’s to beer in the glass, And vodka in the cup. Here’s to pokin’ her in the ass So she won’t get knocked up. Here’s to all of you, And here’s to me, Together as friends we’ll always be. But if we should ever disagree, Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE’S TO ME!

I turned down $2 million for this script. There's absolutely no way that had I filmed the script through a major studio they would have done anything but fuck this movie up. They would have cut all the balls off the comedy, they would have put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it, they would have changed Tucker to make him fall in love, and all this stupid shit that would have driven me up a fucking wall.

The biggest thing I learned was, especially the way I operate and how I am as a person, if I'm going to do a creative endeavor, I need to have full, complete control. Top to bottom. And with my book and website, I always had that. With the website, definitely, with the book, basically, with the movie...I didn't in a lot of ways. Nils and I, we had a lot of control, more control probably than almost any first time movie makers do within a normal studio system. We were in the middle between independent and not, because someone else paid for everything, and they kind of let us do what we wanted, but then once the movie was done creatively, it went in a direction that I did not want it to go, and there was nothing I could really do about it. It's hard enough to swim in that movie current by yourself, but when you've got weights tied to you and someone pulling you in a different direction, it's almost impossible. You need to pick a direction and go with it. If you're going to be a big studio movie, go be that, and if you're going to go be a rogue independent film, go be that. We had different people with different levels of authority on the movie that pulled us in different directions, and it just doesn't work. Either be in control or let someone else do it, but don't...too many chefs. I'm going to be better next time. Failure instructs, failure improves. Failure shouldn't deter you, unless you're just bad at it.

In the libraries

Open Library Assholes finish first · 2008 View library record ↗ Open Library Belligerence and Debauchery · 2003 View library record ↗ Open Library Hilarity ensues · 2012 View library record ↗ Open Library I hope they serve beer in Hell · 2006 View library record ↗ Open Library Mate · 2015 View library record ↗ Open Library Sloppy Seconds · 2012 View library record ↗

Read Tucker Max

I hope they serve beer in Hell 2006 Find a copy Assholes finish first 2008 Find a copy Mate 2015 Find a copy Hilarity ensues 2012 Find a copy Sloppy Seconds 2012 Find a copy Belligerence and Debauchery 2003 Find a copy

Recorded without a firm citation

Kept here, labelled, rather than mixed in above.

I try to make them understand it's not about getting pussy, it's about having fun. It's not about getting drunk, it's about being with your friends. It's not about dishing out put downs, it's about the thrill that comes with improving a witty line. It's not about being an asshole, it's about refusing to let others define your life. It's ultimately about being the person you want to be, and all the manic happiness that comes with that.

Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs.

You see, I have fucked an amputee and a set of twins. If you add in a midget, you are looking at a legendary trifecta. How many other people can say they have done that? Seriously, raise your hand if you even know someone who has done that. Yeah, some of you have fucked midgets. Some of you have fucked amputees. Some have even fucked a set of twins. But how many can honestly say you have done all three categories? I'm not going to say that I'm the only guy on earth who has done this, but I would bet you could fit all of us into a Prius.

I gave her an unmistakable "I want to fuck you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten.

EEK EEK EEK!! That's dolphin for 'I'm sorry.' But you already knew that..

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?

You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

What are you looking for, McSeaBass? Its been the same menu for 40 years. Its all McShit. Just fucking order!

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.'

KJ: Jesus Christ, you are amazing. Where did you learn to fuck like that? TM: Home schooling.

...and that we were now those guys...who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.

Great Holy Jesus--it looks like he fell into Kentucky Fried Movie.

I was very thirsty. Laying in the bathtub, looking up at the faucet, I thought of a great idea. So I turned the nozzle on full blast, and put my mouth up to it. It was like drinking from a firehose, but I was too drunk and dehydrated to notice that I was getting completely soaked, or that water was shooting out of my nose.

I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom.

Tucker: Do you hate the World Bank? Girl: Uhh, umm, well, I mean, yeah, I feel that... Tucker: You don't hate the World Bank. Girl: I don't? Tucker: No. You're mad at your father. You just want daddy to hug you more. Girl: What? Tucker: You were a sociology major weren't you? Girl: NO! Tucker: What was your major? Girl: [Pauses] Uhhh, English Literature. Tucker: [Pause--to give her a look of contempt] Did your parents send you a bill for college? How are those Marxist Literary Critique classes working out for you? You work at Barnes and Noble don't you? Girl: NO--I wor-- Tucker: Shouldn't you be blocking an intersection right now? How many anti-sweatshop petitions have you signed--EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE REEBOKS ON. Very-anti globalization to wear those with your animal tested Clinque make-up made in Nepal. Well, at least you're consistent in your shameless hypocrisy. Girl: What a fascist piece of shi-- Tucker: You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak. Girl: [A mishmash of stammered half insults] Tucker: Seriously--If I stuck my dick in your mouth would that shut you up? Girl: Wha...YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE! Tucker: HEY--Don't blame me for the wound in your crotch. [As I walk off] By the way, you owe us a rib.

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?

Tucker: Are you married? Girl: Yes. Tucker: How good is the marriage? Girl: Very good. Tucker: So there is no chance of us hooking up? Girl: No. Tucker: Well, do you have any hot friends who aren't fucking prudes? Hey--where are you going? I was only kidding! I respect the sanctity of the monogamous relationship! WHORE!

Tucker: WHERE IS THE BATHROOM? Janitor: No, no se habla Ingles. Tucker: WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO? Janitor: AYA, AYA!

Tucker: I understand how female porn stars are selected, but if you are guy, and you don't have a huge cock or shoot 8-ropers, how do you get into the porn industry? Mermaid: Networking, dude, networking. Stripper: I don't know. I just fucked whoever they told me to. It paid good. Tucker: Well isn't that pleasant? I bet your parents are beaming with pride.

The Cousin: Hey Tucker, you know she's French, don't you? Tucker: Oh hell no--You're French? Girl: My parents are, but I was born here. I want to move to France after graduation. Tucker: You fucking cheese-eating surrender monkey. I thought someone stunk around here. So if I start speaking German can I push you around and take all your stuff? Those hairy fucking stink-bags would be speaking Kraut right now if it wasn't for us, and they aren't the least bit appreciative. I hope they all fucking die, and your frog-sympathizing ass with them.

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

Every girl asked me, "What makes you god's gift to women?" Some answers: 13 inches. Who ever thought it could be too big? I have 20 million dollars and terminal cancer. I like to listen. I'm a convicted sex offender. Have you seen this face? Look at how hot I am! I like to cut up hookers. Bend over and I'll show you.

The Academy should give Caitlin a fucking Oscar. She delivered her scripted lines perfectly, even improvising beautifully with the "Uncle Tucker" bit. And I should get an award for choreography or something.

A girl said this to me last night: "You aren't at all what I expected. I thought you would be more suave and debonair." That statement by itself isn't all that funny, until you put it into context: She said it to me as we were laying in bed, having just fucked three times. That was two hours after I met her.